Thursday, March 26, 2020

Dream Diary

It all started at a slumber party. I was being bullied during dessert, but I would not be a victim. Scooping ice cream into bowls, I raised my voice with authority and decided to leave. I gathered four half-gallon cartons in my arms, dripping with melted cream, and headed to the bus stop.

The bus hadn't yet arrived when I encountered an old friend. It was Mrs. St. Pierre, so I asked after her son, a longtime classmate of my oldest. Suddenly, she was called away--she left the iron on, I think--but to my delight, Gwyneth Paltrow took her place. Surely, she would want to know the plight of the sleepover meanies, and indeed, she was impressed by my tale and recommended a good museum found on the southernmost tip of Los Angeles. 

"And here's the bus to take us there," she said. Food's not allowed on board, I figured, so I set it all down on the curb. I'd hoped that Mrs. St. Pierre might find it and bring it home to her family. If only I could text her--it was too bumpy a ride.

I had only been to Los Angeles once, so I was engrossed by the view. The architecture was familiar, but its structures were built with monochromatic Legos in shades of terracotta and seemed to inhale and exhale. In and out. 

"I thought it was San Francisco that had all the hills," I wondered aloud as we journeyed up and down. Gwyneth pointed to the buildings up ahead, and I realized the bus had no roof. The California sky opened up above us in cloudless wonder. 

The museum was a series of crystal pillars, one that hung a curtain made of sparkling, silver strands that waved in the wind. "That's the piece I read about," I exclaimed, and in place of my new friend sat my mother, equally awed by the view. The bus curved 'round a corner away from the complex of structures that now had the texture of silly putty and the colors of crayons. Their sharp edges, only moments before, were drooping, forming the same shape as their surface. Melting like ice cream.

Wednesday, March 25, 2020

Gifts of Time

The phone rang and there was a knock on the door, but before I had a chance to answer either, she was gone in a flash. Although I lost the opportunity to see my Mom through the glass, a package lay on my front steps. The paper bag, drooped and soggy from the rain, was a treasure of books and knick-knacks dug up from her wandering through the nooks and crannies of her garage.

With spare time that she hasn't had in years, she's fixing up a studio space. I can picture her in action, maybe with a paintbrush and an easel, maybe a loom. She labeled me an artist years ago, but she's the one honing her craft. Cups of colored pencils still decorate her home and the lines of her homemade cards have grown evermore steady and sure. For the last few years, she has filled a wooden cigar box with paper mandalas illustrated with a different image each day, reflections of her evolving thoughts and skills.

Growing up with my mother, I explored the number of junk drawers she fostered. In moments of boredom, I'd open squeaky cabinets to sort through ribbon clippings and broken crayons, textured paper, stamp pads, and jars full of buttons. I loved and feared the eaves of the garage attic, cavernous spaces that held boxes of records and a barrel of collectible beer cans she retrieved from the final moments of a yard sale. It's where I also found the sewing box of a tangled thread and plastic bobbins and a basket of yarn stabbed at all angles by knitting needles. There were reeds, some of which she gathered on her walks, such as the bittersweet branches that shed golden seedpods off red fruit, that she would weave into baskets flowing with knotted tendrils.

I haven't been bored yet this week. In fact, teaching plus homeschooling plus parenting all in one space remind me of the twisted thread of long ago. But as weeks and months lay unscheduled hours on my doorstep, I will try to find the art in my closets instead of just clutter.

Tuesday, March 24, 2020

A Word to the Wise

When my middle was little, he wasn't sure about school. The first days of Kindergarten were quickly approaching, and his nerves were beginning to crackle. Born cynical, some claim, he looked at me with his big, green eyes and said, "School. It's just a place where they tell you what to do." As his mother and a teacher who happened to love school, I was concerned. I held my breath his entire first day until I met him outside at dismissal. He was practically laughing with relief when he reported the details. He liked it. It wasn't just a place where they tell you what to do, he realized.

Years later, he won the lottery to attend a school whose motto is Verbum Sap Sat, meaning a word to the wise is sufficient. The school was founded on the belief that "when left with responsibilities, students will learn and get work done." There, the students don't even need to be told what to do. Enter a global pandemic to test the theory.

Now I'm thinking of my students, connected only by invisible threads weaving through the airwaves. I can tell them what to do, but they can also log out whenever they please. The whole process takes some faith. Just in case they're not listening, I rented an airplane to write letters in the sky.

"Verbum sap sat: Do your homework," I will advise with as many curly-cues and loop-de-loops as I can manage from the cockpit. I hope they do what I say.

Monday, March 23, 2020

Breaking News

Just like that, Governor Northam called school off for the rest of the school year. I've been reviewing my students' reading reflections all day, but my heart is dizzy from spinning. It's hard to fathom that I won't greet this year's students again in room 224. I want that moment at the start of a class, before their attention has worn away, when they turn to look at me for some directions:
  • Anybody reading anything great? 
  • On a scale of 1-10, how stressed are you about the geo test?
  • Let's clear off desks except for-
  • Will and Bill, not a good time to wrestle.
  • Here's what we're going to do today...
Their faces are still fresh, crystal-clear in my mind. We were in the groove, making progress, we had already gotten to know each other, and we knew where we were going. I wrote them notes about their reading today. I'll write more notes tomorrow. There's plenty to do on the online agenda, more than enough to fill the time. But as the weeks and months go by, it's their faces I want to remember. 

Sunday, March 22, 2020

Yes, Isaac

Newton’s first law states that an object that is at rest tends to stay at rest, while an object that is in motion tends to stay in motion, with the same speed and direction.

Teachers, we're not used to sitting still. It's Sunday night, and I spent the weekend trying to shake some sense into my addled muscles. After wondering why on Earth I was so tired (again, the Googling) I decided I wasn't sick, but desperate for exercise instead. We took the dog out to the field for a game of fetch and she ran with wild abandon, her tag and tongue wagging in the wind. "I want to feel like that," I said and returned home for my sneakers. Then I ran, no tail to wag, but strangers surely wondered why I was smiling at them. I greeted the rest of the day with such pep that my step needed a refresher course.

We're all about to start another week of remote work. Our brains will be hipping and hopping up and down the halls of cyber school, but good teaching rarely happens from a chair. I'm working on a plan for motion in order to stay in motion. Who isn't craving some speed and direction?

Saturday, March 21, 2020

Fuel-Efficient

When it comes to family time, I'm a fan of road trips. Busy lives have us zipping in different directions most days of the year, so it's a comfort to pack into one car for a stretch of hours or even days. The car is stuffed with bags, bedding, and sandwich fixings. With the stereo playing, we say good-bye to home and drive far away--west to Boulder, south to Miami, and north to Massachusetts. The best part--for us parents at least--is that we're all in one spot. Outside our windows, the world is in motion, but inside, we look to the backseat to find our boys snoozing peacefully.

There are no road trips in our near future, but we're hunkering down for the long road ahead. The beds are made, the pantry is stocked, and the stereo is turned up in the kitchen. And I'm counting my blessings because we're in this together.

Friday, March 20, 2020

Blown Away

No adjusting of the volume could quiet the news of Covid-19 this week. Scrolling through the feed, each report blared louder than the last. Berated by facts, I cowered from impending doom. I put my phone down to give my brain a break and felt light-headed from it all. Googled, "Is nausea a symptom of coronavirus?" and confirmed I am likely more psycho than somatic.

Projections suggest this is only the beginning, and the decibel level will not quiet for a while. Yet throughout the day, the wind blew through town. From morning 'til dusk, it came in a constant series of billowing waves. The wind shushed a troubled world. It is March's way to blow our lids off, but today was more zephyr than typhoon. For a time, I forgot the grinding engines and screeching brakes. I listened to the comforting whisper, a solicitous hush, and made a wish.

Thursday, March 19, 2020

Fountain Pens of Youth

As the lit mag sponsor of my school, I sensed my committee of writers was itching for an opportunity to connect. I sent out a Google Classroom message: "Are you out there? What are you doing to stay inspired?" To which I received prompt replies.
  • I'm reading like crazy. 
  • Listening to music. It's my happy, inspiration place.
  • I'm writing the second draft of my NaNoWriMo!
  • Just Dance and yoga!
  • I'm trying to teach my sister to knit...when she's not driving me crazy.
  • I signed up for a free Harvard online writing course.
  • I get to spend a lot of time outdoors.
To bring us together, I posted a couple of writing activities over the last two days in the form of shared Google docs, and it was this view that inspired me. 

In popped the profile pics of a few wordsmiths and they wrote in delightful synchronicity. My fellow writing club friends--grownups--and I have marveled over the creative freedom and fearlessness we observe in young writers. This morning, I enjoyed watching it in real time. 

Words flowed like water, line upon line, metaphor dropped upon similes like a spring shower, and realism danced gracefully with fantasy. And when the last word was typed, not a second passed before the cursor hovered over a word up here, a letter over there. As if fairy dust were sprinkled over text, lovely writing was transformed into something even lovelier. The writing process revealed itself in only a few minutes just because I was lucky enough to log in. 

I thought of stark blank screens that have frightened ideas right out of my head in the past. Not today, mind you. Thanks, kiddos.

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

A Birthday Tradition

My memory is fuzzy, but I think the first time I poured pancake batter onto a hot griddle in the shape of my firstborn's age, it was a number one or a number two. It was a simple way to begin a happy birthday with sweet returns. Children love pancakes. And I grew to appreciate a tradition that didn't send me to the store in a panic for expensive ingredients. Milk, eggs, flour, and butter. Very doable, every time.

Now I have three sons, and I haven't skipped a birthday yet. I like to think of each one of their this-is-my-day smiles before they gobbled numbers along with a buttery stack. Considering they're twenty-two, eighteen, and nine--throw in a couple decades of flapjacks for their dad--and I've become a real pro. 

Today is my birthday, but I did not stand at the stove. First thing, my youngest took the lead with a spatula in hand. He measured, mixed, and painted the pan with a lovely four and a six. Golden brown and delicious. It was a perfect start to the day.

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Model Student

My nine-year-old is at it again. Not only is the garden fully tilled thanks to his sharp-toothed shovel, but there is also a ditch at the center that he has made steadily deeper. The kid clearly loves a project.

From his menu board of fourth-grade activities, he plucked several tasks with surprising enthusiasm. I created a class of one on No Red Ink (middle school teacher perks) and started him off on nouns--the silly sentences had him cracking up that he even took screenshots of a few. "I don't know, maybe I can make something out of them later," he explained. When he caught sight of his sketch pad that his art teacher sent home, he borrowed my Sharpies to design some pretty intense robots.

He heard from his older brothers--a meme on Twitter, I think--that Sir Isaac Newton produced his best work while on quarantine. "I think I might, too," he said hopefully.

When evening hit, I peeked out the door, expecting to see him digging away. Instead, he was seated in a lawn chair with a book. The sun had started to go down, but he read as long as there was light in the sky. That's the spirit.

Monday, March 16, 2020

Problems and Solutions

Problem: One car sits in the parking lot of a Key Biscayne condo building instead of its own driveway over 1,000 miles away. Its owners, my parents, left their vehicle behind for what they thought would be a one-week trip. Before their return flight to one more sunny stretch, news of Covid-19 took hold, and they decided it was safer to stay home. They're a hearty pair in good health, but these days, we can't mess with the data. We wrestled with the dilemma. There was no way we could let my 73-year-old father get on a plane to retrieve their car and belongings before driving 16 hours alone.

Solution: One 22-year-old makes his homecoming, forced into online coursework to finish his final semester before graduating. He's an easygoing guy, my firstborn, and he's close to his grandparents. Two or three texts later, he logged into United.com to buy a one-way ticket. He boarded the plane with a carry-on bag, a pack of disinfectant wipes, and a set of keys. Soon enough, he'll be sleeping to the sound of the ocean waves before hitting the road for one long solo road trip. While this plan seems like a logical solution to the problem, we wrestle with the dilemma. There are at least 36-hours before we will get him back safe and sound.

Problem: One family waits and worries.

Solution: Hope and pray.

Sunday, March 15, 2020

Keep in Touch

Day 2 of social distancing and I've decided this is my second and final slice that will begin this way. Long days stretch out ahead and the pace is slow; I will be craving originality shortly.

My fingers tapped on the keyboard all morning as I set out initial plans for my students. "Are you out there?" I wanted to ask. But I decided it was too soon to pop my virtual teacher voice into their homes unless they went looking. Families all around are still adjusting to the definition of Covid-19 closing. Learning, listening, wondering, and of course, disinfecting. I posted my plan and closed my laptop.

Ping! An email came in from a student who'd been out sick before the closing (not to worry, he's well now.) He was ready to catch up, for today was Day 5 in his tiny section of the world. We exchanged a couple of messages, and he was on his way, zipping through a couple of tasks so fast, I had to admire his spirit.

And if I'm craving originality today, I can guess a lot of students are too. Whatever I post next, I aim to keep it fresh.

Saturday, March 14, 2020

Saturday Chores

Day 1 of social distancing and my youngest has been digging holes in the yard. Lucky for him, the soil is springtime-ready and lucky for his dad, the garden needs a turning. He's proud--as he should be--as he pierces the ground with his shovel. Rich, brown earth smiles in contrast alongside the curved edge of a green lawn. He stops to wipe fresh dirt on his jeans.

Inside, I've been tackling a different task. Armed with a spray bottle and paper towels, I've wiped almost every surface, each swipe to create more distance between yesterday and today. Listening to Podcasts as if they're religion, experts advise wiping doorknobs and electronic devices until my phone battery runs low. Whatever I'm battling is either invisible or nonexistent, so I feel a sense of futility. 

"Come out and see this!" my son calls. "Three people have asked me if I'm digging to the other side of the world. By the way, that's impossible," he adds.

I set the disinfectant aside to admire his handiwork. "This is awesome," I exclaim, "We really needed this done." 

I'm telling the truth. And just in case, I go in to finish my chores, too.

Friday, March 13, 2020

Tuning Down

I can hear a basketball bouncing on the street from my back porch. Bounce, bounce, swish...or maybe a miss. The air is a soft shade of spring mellow. Birds chirp and squirrels chatter. A plane flies overhead. My dog naps by the screen where a light breeze feathers her fur. I'm just now noticing the first green leaves that have sprouted.

This morning was wound in barbed wire. If I tried to reach over the fence, I worried I'd get caught. Colleagues speed-walked their way through planning periods with tensions and questions. My students and I looked at a calendar with dates set for the rest of the month, but it was filled with broken promises. The announcement of closure until April 14 left us saying, "Now we know."

I was in touch with a childhood friend from Florence today. She reported the eeriness of the shutdown, closed museums, universities, and shops. She complained of long lines at the grocery stores and worries about the economy, but because she and her family are well, she's taking long walks. She's enjoying the spring. She wrote, "In the bad of it all it is a chance to tune down, enjoy a nice book, the company of close ones and contemplate days lived in simplicity. Those should be nice lessons for us all."

Thursday, March 12, 2020

Waiting.

These days, our phones announce the arrival of information with a "Ping!" whether or not we obsessively refresh our screen. News is happening out there, there is no doubt. Numbers climb and leaders convene. For hours in a row, my phone buzzed with notifications from universities, stadiums, amusement parks, and camps. Any news from school? Not much.

Yet a Virginia state of emergency plus a warning that "This situation is changing by the minute..." leaves one wondering what's happening out of earshot when hours have passed since an update. And in those hours, I do "normal." I enter grades, walk the dog, take my youngest to Taekwondo, and empty the dishwasher. But the lines are growing longer at the grocery store and the anti-bacterial wipes are still out of stock. I resist the temptation to check my phone. 

Wednesday, March 11, 2020

How can I help you?

Chatting with a friend's daughter tonight, we realized we share a connection. She's been volunteering at the same hospital I did in high school, and our chatter sent me spinning back to a time I hadn't thought of in a long time.

I was a Candy Striper. It wasn't enough that I pulled on a plaid, pleated skirt every morning. On Saturday mornings, I sported a red and white striped pinafore--as awkward as it sounds--plus a blouse with a mickey mouse collar and tube socks. I was by no means a confident teen, but I answered calls to the volunteer office and marched my uniformed self up and down the halls with great contentment.  

I've visited hospitals since then, but those were journeys through thick fog, and I remember less of the scenery. Tonight, I recalled strolling through halls with the book cart. Lego deliveries to the children's wing. I knew the main routes and short cuts. The nursing stations, where people lingered and fingers tapped keyboards. There were waiting rooms with people passing time, where the TV was too low to hear and too high to ignore. I feel sorry, now, as I realize how much pain I walked briskly by. I didn't know how long they'd already waited or what questions swirled round in their heads. I was too busy feeling self-assured as a member of a special club.

On the bright side, I'll always remember the calls from the maternity wing: requests for discharge. It was joyous indeed to navigate a wheelchair for mothers and their newborns. I took care not to catch them in the elevator door, to provide a smooth ride, as if that was their greatest worry. "Good-bye and good luck," I might have said as they drove away. Then I'd head back to the office and wait for the phone to ring again.

Tuesday, March 10, 2020

Name That Tune

"What song is this?" asked my son from the backseat of the car. We were on our way home from Taekwondo.

He wasn't singing, mind you. He was snapping his tongue on the roof of his mouth, 100% percussion and 0% melody. I listened closely to the beat so that I could make my best guess. 

"I can tell it's a song I know, but I'm not sure...What do you call that sound you're making?" 

"It's sort of a click. Or a cluck," he said and started up again and I joined in for a few bars of his syncopated rhythm.

Cluck, cluck, Cluck, cluck...cluck, cluck, cluck. 
Cluck, cluck, cluck. 
Cluck, cluck, cluck. 

Cluck, cluck, Cluck, cluck...cluck, cluck, cluck. 
Cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck.

"Well, do you know it?"

I clucked a line back to him, thinking that might help. Not Jingle Bells. Not Hot Cross Buns. No luck. At a red light, I turned to see his face, midsong in the glow of the early evening, an unconventional serenade that allowed time to stand still just for the moment. 

The song, of course, was "Mary Had a Little Lamb."

Monday, March 9, 2020

Crystal Clear

My world has been blurry around the edges. Blue skies on early spring days haven't made a difference. Until recently, I haven't minded much. Each day painted with watercolors rather than acrylics, more impressionism than realism. But I've come to crave clarity.

I've tired of walking up close to see the sharp lines. I'd rather not strain to see fresh blades of grass that line the road. Although I can see the signs, I'd be better off if I could discern their directions.

This afternoon, I renewed my eyeglass prescription. The doctor flipped lenses this way and that until each letter came into view. Bs no longer looked like Es and I identified the C that once looked like an O.

In two weeks, I'll put new glasses on. Here's hoping things come into focus. 

Sunday, March 8, 2020

Rule #1

I am a big hand washer. Not so much that I risk scrubbing my hands raw, but I do practice the standard soap-up quite willingly at the traditional times. A trip to the restroom, of course. Before preparing and/or eating a meal, yep. After reaching into the desks between classes to scoop out papers and the occasional god-knows-what, absolutely and doubly good, thank you.

We're all teachers. Best practices, am I right?

As news of the Covid-19 outbreak dominates the airwaves, the value of this good habit has spiked while the stock market has plunged. Like many people, I didn't let the coronavirus interfere with my trip about Teacher Town this weekend, but it did follow me around. I opened doors with my bare hands, and then took receipts, handled produce, shook some hands, hugged family and friends. Before and after, I washed my hands. A lot. 

God help me when it comes to touching my face.

Saturday, March 7, 2020

What's the time?

With one less hour to work with this weekend, I might just get ahead of it for once. My sleepy Saturday morning was typical in that I read a couple of chapters before making my coffee. I took my time getting ready for the gym before fitting in a pre-errand workout. I'm writing my slice of the day before heading to my son's Taekwondo lesson. All of the above, an hour earlier.

Is this what maturity looks like? Because I can remember some years--springing forward dropped me dazed and befuddled on a Sunday, cruelly cheated by the shorter weekend. This year, our daylight savings dinner guests are my sister and young nieces, who happen to have an early bedtime. This year, I will close up today with a bowl of ice cream, two more chapters, and lights out. One hour earlier. 

Here's hoping it helps. 

Friday, March 6, 2020

Dock Dreams

There is a dock I know where the sun shines strongest at noon. Where I can lay my towel over a folding chair and read with nothing but the dragonflies to distract me. Where the rest of the family later congregates for long conversations about plans and politics, stories and songs. Cousins swim until their lips turn blue. Parents soak in the summer heat and join them. Reluctant to leave the spot, volunteers bring plates of grilled cheese, slices of watermelon, and seltzer. We move in a smooth cycle from the dock to the boat, from the board to the water, and round again. Every minute that passes is a mile further from the workday rush that we've all left behind until the distance is so great that we can finally fathom the return.

Thursday, March 5, 2020

Good Night

"I'm afraid of the dark." Or that's what I've been telling myself for so many years. I'll blame it on the night I was taking out the trash. Must have been a cloudy because not even the stars lit my way down the driveway. All was well, though, until I heard a rustle. Just a crinkle of leaves. A mysterious sound from behind the tree. Then out pounced...no one. But my fear was pure electricity--a bolt of lightning--that sent sparks flying for hours up and down my spine. 

I left work tonight after dark. They're calling for rain tomorrow, so the inky sky offered no reprieve as I headed across the field toward home. Other nights, I've found myself reaching for my phone. Turn on the flashlight. Call a loved one. But not tonight, I decided, and told myself I'd be fine. One step at at time, until I saw the warm glow from my back porch just through the trees. I was confident that if the leaves crinkled, it was a rabbit burrowing in for a rest. Just as I trusted I would, when I made it safely home. 

Wednesday, March 4, 2020

Afternoon Coven

On my walk home from school, I encountered three young girls kneeling on the dirt path, huddled in a circle. In the shade of the overgrown scrub trees, their heads were down and faces hidden. While their bodies blocked whatever decay lay in the center, there was little doubt of their social deviance.

Oh my, I thought of this cultish ritual. So sad that children have turned to the macabre. I blame the internet. Whatever it is they are doing out of earshot of their parents, they learned it on Youtube. 

Feeling sure they wouldn't want to be caught in this dark act, I played it cool: "Hi, ladies." Yet they were unfazed by my presence. 

Their smiles widened as they announced proudly, "We're burying the remains of our snow man!" One went on to explain the discovery of his sad little frayed hat and ragged scarf beneath the pine needles that fell this season. Instead of snow flakes. "Poor thing. He didn't have one chance."

So no, they weren't torturing fire ants. Nor were they coaxing evil spirits from a half dead toad. Instead, they were mourning the absence of this year's winter, paying their respects with a gravestone and newly bloomed magnolia blossoms. I wasn't that far off--they were playing with something dead after all--but Google doesn't brew that kind of magic. 

Maybe our neighborhood Wiccans can conjure winter's resurrection. If so, they'll have one more follower. 

But ladies, please, not until next year.

Tuesday, March 3, 2020

Unexpected Turnout

I heeded an emailed warning about today's professional development.

"Consider carpooling," they recommended based on the massive number of participants they expected. Plus, there was sure to be some bonkers Super Tuesday traffic, this being the reason behind the last-minute cancellation of school.  

I hitched a ride from my husband, and while I enjoyed a rare morning chat on this weekday commute, the vacancies in the parking lot suggested attendance was light. Walking into the auditorium, I was struck by the thin crowd, especially in the front rows. In fact, the nearest exit seemed to have a magnetic pull based on how many chose to sit in the back. Maybe they all had the primary on their minds.

Later, I walked over to my polling place. Despite my concerns of a line in the late afternoon, the gym was nearly empty. Without a voter in front or behind, I could have set up a campfire and roasted a few marshmallows before feeding my ballot into the machine.

Where were the droves that required training? What about the urgency of this election? Fill those parking lots, people. It's time to line up. And good news: the PD sessions are over, but the polls don't close until 7 o'clock. Anyone need a ride?

Monday, March 2, 2020

Do you smell what I smell?

The wind is picking up speed and the sky warns of rain that is surely on the way. I rush my dog, Allie, out the door for a quick walk, but her nose suggests an alternative agenda. With even the slightest dampness in the air, she is transported to a state of euphoria. She pauses to inhale life's sweetness in the crevices in the stone wall. The crease between the lawn and the concrete. A napkin by the gutter. A plod of grass in the road. 

As we start and stop, start and stop, the distance she creates is like that of a mother and her teenage daughter: “Don’t even try to read my mind.” Or in this case, “Just let me smell my own life!” I can only follow protectively and wonder, Whatever happened to my little girl? 

A gust nearly blows my jacket off and down comes a spray of raindrops at last. I breathe in scents of earthy grass, blooming crocuses, and buds on the trees. A trash can on the curb. Chinese takeout on the next block. 

Exhilarated, we break into a jog. Together again.

Sunday, March 1, 2020

If a Tree Falls in a Forest

One mile into my run today, my phone battery died. MapMyRun was no longer tracking my every step.

Going solo, earbuds tucked into my shirt, I was alone with my thoughts. I stuck to the trail, but my mind meandered through the woods on either side. My imagination scampered with the deer hiding behind trees. It zip-lined the electrical wires and grabbed a handful of the cottony clouds. It hopped over the stream and skipped over mossy rocks. 

In my final mile, I came back to earth. I collected all the words for my first slice of March 2020. No record of my precise distance and split pace, I rest assured. It was a good run.

Sunday, March 31, 2019

Farewell Tour

It must have been spring of 2011 the first time I hiked through the woods, up and down hills, out and around the bend, to the grandstand where I watched my eldest son row in his first regatta. We were one family out of hundreds passing on the trail. Like the novices we were, we carried a paper printout of the schedule, but the more practiced parents--they had a sixth sense for when each boat was on its way. One would hold up a finger to the wind and predict when the JV-8 was approaching, and they'd start banging on the cowbell. We watched with borrowed binoculars as they grew from tiny spots on the river until they passed us on the way to the finish line. Coxwains screamed through their megaphones as oars knocked, clanked, and splashed in perfect unison. Moments of glory from our perspective were just that. Brief but extraordinary.

For about eight years, we enjoyed this ritual. Four years in high school and four in college. For the past two, he passed his oars down and stepped up as coach. Today, my youngest and I met him out on the river again. Races had just been called off due to wind, and the park was clearing out as I parked. We picked a quiet spot to eat our picnic lunch--my son, his girlfriend, and a friend. All three of them could recount their first time carrying their boat in and out of this very river. Afterward, they piled into the university truck, and my son drove those sixty-foot boats right out of the empty lot toward school.

The place was empty, and for old time's sake,  we disappeared into the forest for a while. Up and down hills, out and around the bend. Not a single creature interrupted us. Heading toward the water's edge, we caught the sun sparkling on the surface of the boatless river. The only sound to be heard was the wind. Hush, it whispered, just remember this moment.

I will, I promised.

Saturday, March 30, 2019

Multi-tasking Magic

Books are special. Hardcovers with striking images and pages filled with words that have the power to transport readers to another world--oh my. But since a few weeks ago, I've been walking around with the same twelve-hour audiobook in my ear, a different kind of special altogether.

When I met Bri in Angie Thomas's On the Come Up, on March 1, the trees were still stone-cold bare in my neighborhood, not a blossom to be seen. Bri was a spitfire with big dreams when her tale was interrupted by a frustrated mom and a stuck-in-his-way school resource officer, so I secured my scarf and buttoned my coat. By the time Bri was writing rhymes and gaining fame, I was toggling between violent wind and the power to unwind on a track that was gaining Bri major "likes". Later, when my dog and I jogged beneath the I-66 overpass, Bri's mother declared to her parents, "My greatest crime is that I'm poor!" Bri was making mistakes so fast, she could hardly make sense of what was left and right. This was a turning point, so I lengthened that day's walk to round two or three extra blocks. The scene was so tense, I had to unroll my sleeves. Knowing I was near the end, I chose my dog-walking route carefully.  Bri sought resolution with her mother, her music, and her mind, just as I rounded the corner and climbed the hill to my house.

Angie Thomas's novel has followed me all around Arlington this month. Over and under bridges, through sleet before sunshine, from a scarf pulled up over my nose, to the last chapter on March 30, I flip-flopped my way to the conclusion where every loose end was tied up with a magnolia blossom and a branch of leaves. 

Friday, March 29, 2019

Poetry of the Feet

When I was in high school, I fancied myself a dancer, but not in a traditional sense. On the musical stage, I could keep up with a choreographer when she'd lead us through a series of step-step-pivot-turns. I loved learning the routines, but when in doubt--jazz hands. Like riding a bike, I can still tap the time step and sometimes when students ask me what they should do when they complete a task, I suggest they try to "Shuffle Off to Buffalo." I mean, they've earned it, right?

One pivotal role I played was Essie, a dancer who couldn't really dance, in You Can't Take It With You. It was the perfect part for me because I got to work alongside an actual ballet dancer on moves like the arabesque and pas de chat, but there was absolutely no hope that I'd be any good. I was born to be Essie.

This evening, I was caught by surprise by a musical feature of the taekwondo class that came before my son's. At first, this group of advanced students moved in a series of positions in such precise unison that the whisper of the fabric of their cotton uniforms grew like thunder. Then came the voice of Grand Master Jhoon Rhee introducing Beethoven's 5th symphony. A room full of eighth to twelfth-grade black belts danced in perfect synchronicity, showcasing strength, grace, and control. All are qualities I expect in the martial arts, but the elements of music and dance moved me.

No doubt, I know better than Essie where we stand on the dance floor, but we both understand its power to pull our heartstrings. I can't claim to be any good, but boy it's fun. I just might wear tap shoes to school next week.

Thursday, March 28, 2019

Deal Me In

I never stopped shuffling my deck of cards today. Although I may have drawn the queen of hearts at the start, she was swiftly made a commoner along with 51 friends and enemies. Every single priority of mine, no matter the number or suit, was shifted and sifted from top, to middle, and to bottom. I dealt myself a few good hands--some pairs, some sets of three, some four. These were the most agreeable--see I favor alignment--and when I was just one card from a royal flush, I bristled at its sense of entitlement and kicked the king under the table.

At the end of the day, I lay every card from smallest to largest and from black to red. Even in such neat rows and layers, I found it hard to pick favorites. Such order was unsettling and no fun at all. So I went right back to shuffling because it's not even a game unless the deck is 100% mixed up. And if it's not a game, what's the fun in that?

Wednesday, March 27, 2019

A Tale of Thievery and Song

It's a truth every English teacher shares: books disappear. Collecting invoices the other day, I dug into the Amazonian archives to unearth evidence of gems I purchased for my classroom library. Oh man, there's nothing better than a hot title that sizzles and hops off the griddle into the hands of a hungry reader. Did she eat the book that I loaned her? Because I haven't seen it since. A friend on my hall sheds an optimistic light on the matter: "Someone must need that book more than I do."

When I was in high school, I went through a bike riding phase. No, I didn't join a cycling club--I just climbed on a two-wheeler tour after school for a while. I hit the trail and rode as far away from my house as I could. If I place it on my bio-line, it was an awkward time between school transfers and typically messy homelife challenges. Riding was meditation where fresh air washed away worries. Zooming left and right around the twists and turns, I soared from reality, and when no one was watching I opened right up and sang as loud as I could. Through the tunnels that echoed, I belted out my best show tune hits, and man, did I have range back then. Daily journeys like these took me to another world.

One day, a grassy green knoll by the creek tempted me off the course. "You've got a lot on your mind," it called. "Stop for a while." I threw my kickstand down and reclined in the sun, listening to chirping birds and passers-by until I drifted off, asleep.

There might have been the clicking of gears in my dreams, but when I awoke, I could only see the wide behind of a boy on my bike, pedaling away like his life depended on it. I ran for long enough to know I wouldn't catch him. I ran for long enough to realize I had no idea what I'd do if I caught him. I headed home on foot and in shame to admit my careless mistake.

"That boy must have needed your bike more than you do," my dad said, a pretty good attitude considering how annoyed he must have been. And if I recall, I kept singing songs and rehearsing lines on a bike, but it was on my mom's. 

Like any year, book thieves have thinned my classroom shelves, and between now and June, I'll take to bribery and bullying. The sign-out log helps in a lot of cases, but what about the ones that ghosted? Covetous covers grew legs and simply walked away. 

Bring my books back "or else", I'll threaten. If they don't, my hope is they won't stay buried in a closet somewhere. Open those books for goodness sake...and sing.

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

Stars--they're just like US!

They were in, and they were out. It was like a celebrity sighting: tall and young, wearing an assortment of colors because why bother matching, pink-haired one, scruffy-spiffy the other. My oldest and his girl came to celebrate the middle little. Concert tickets they had bought for his seventeenth birthday in December, and the day had finally arrived.

Could we fit in a meal between their arrival and departure? Free dinner goes a long way with early twenty-somethings. We gathered for Taco Tuesday, so watch out for the paparazzi. "Stars! They eat tacos on Tuesday, too!" What conversations could we manage to roll in?

Pass the bowls of this week's projects, black beans, dates for exams, sour cream, updates on summer plans, and salsa. That plate of avocado looks grand. Any news about your internship application?

The littlest of the three, just 8-years-old, showed us a Tae Kwon Do kick so high, oh my. And the crew of three, so cool in their sneakers and their big dreams, were gone. Their photos became plastered in the Hollywood magazine of my mind.

Monday, March 25, 2019

That'll Do

There were three circles when I started,
but none captured my mood
like the eye that strained
to see through muddled layers
of the day. A journey from Monday's
depths to the light that turns by Tuesday.

Sunday, March 24, 2019

To the Finish

“Are you speeding up?” my partner asked right after calling “on your left” to the gentleman we passed. I had picked up the pace, not because I felt strong, but because I was eager for the finish line. I could already predict which joints would smart later. I was just trying to forget how often I pushed snooze on my alarm clock instead of maintaining stamina on the road.

Spring gifted us with a flawless day—a warm sun, whispering breeze, magnolia blossoms. So flawless that I’ve started a brand new notebook with all the clean pages. The one I’m setting aside still has some blank space, but the notes I took for the first three months of the year grew too heavy weeks ago. That ink-stained journal can be set aside and used for reference only.

"Stairs are hard! I can barely walk!" read the text from my running partner in the early evening. Only minutes earlier had I sunk gingerly into the couch thanks to this morning's run. Never mind the aches and pains, I'm going to sprint through them. If doing so gets me out of this winter, that's fine by me.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Make It Burn

Is it wrong that I tried to make my students mad on Friday? In my launch of a "writing for change" project, everyone could choose two or three articles about activists, past and present. It wasn't hard to find a pattern. Almost every one of the figures profiled stood up for an issue that touched them personally. 

Zuriel Oduwole, only 15, fights for education reform for girls in Africa. She grew up in the U.S., but her parents are Nigerian and Mauritian. Aaron Maybin, a former NFL linebacker and now a teacher, advocates for students in Baltimore City Schools, also his hometown. An estimated one million students staged walkouts on the anniversary of the Columbine shooting, and their personal connection is all too obvious.

"What's a current issue that lights a fire in you?" I ask. Of course, it’s important to engage in issues that don't affect us directly. But for this project, I'm looking for some emotional investment that might set their words aflame. 

My needs-a-nap-badly student, worn down by the week started with, "I don't know what I care about, just tell me what to do," and ended with clarity in his eyes to say, "Teachers talk all the time about bullying, but then they see it and do NOTHING." 

"Okay," I said, "I think I can find an audience for this concern." 

As it turns out, these kids are pissed. Mayhem on the bus, sexual harassment, racial and gender stereotypes, standardized testing, one-size fits all education, bias in sports, economic disadvantages, the government shutdown. In every case, students have felt the sting of these issues. That does not make me happy. 

It's one of those projects that makes me a little nervous. But if this challenge inspires them to write with passion and compassion, I'll take it. 

Friday, March 22, 2019

Thunderstorm of Hail and Fire

"This feels biblical," I said to my neighbor, crouching under an umbrella at the bus stop after school. Thunder warned us that serious weather was on the way, but I wasn't expecting the penny-sized ice chips that fell in sheets from the sky.

The seventh plague in the Book of Exodus is hail. In other words, the Pharoah had been warned six times already to let Moses's people go. The fact that the Pharoah could dismiss blood, frogs, lice, flies, pestilence, and boils as mild inconvenience is surprising, right?

In Exodus 9:13-35, God showcases his powerful portfolio and suggested to Moses that he share this message: "For by now I could have stretched out my hand and struck you and your people with a plague that would have wiped you off the earth. But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth."

It's true, the problems that befall us all are incomprehensible. Locusts, darkness, and death are on the horizon for everyone. But that's not fun food for thought on a Friday night, is it? Instead, I choose to see nature's omnipotence as a gift, not a curse.

I stepped out from my friend's umbrella and soaked in the strange combination of pelting ice and mild spring air. Frost encrusted the crown of my head. Pellets hit the asphalt and skipped like villagers to shelter. My boy and I ran home in awe of the thunderstorm of hail, and the fire of wonder lit our path.

Thursday, March 21, 2019

Riding the Tide

I'm not a swimmer, but walking is not an option. When it rains all day, the water level rises on my cross-the-field commute, and my strut is replaced with strokes. Sometimes galoshes suffice. Not this time, though, when I have to pull on a pair of flippers and kick my way home.

There are no fish because this lake is temporary--I hope. The squirrels hope so, too, from their perch atop the trees. The swallows checked the forecast and turned around for four more weeks. The geese, also on route from the south, are on their way. Soon I'll have company in my one-lap trip to work, but I'll keep my distance because geese can be pretty mean. 

Dry now and under shelter, the deluge hasn't swept my house away. Yet still, it rains. Perhaps tomorrow, the foundation will have loosened, and I will awake in an ark. In that case, I won't swim to school. I'll row.

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

You Cook, I'll Clean

I know I'm lucky. I've heard of couples who work out an arrangement: one cooks the meal and the other cleans up. My husband prefers to do both. Who am I to keep him from his daily dose of joy? Some like to collapse on the couch after a long day. He likes to pull ingredients from the fridge and start chopping.

When I returned from walking the dog, red peppers roasted, blistering on the stove top. Chickpeas and tahini swirled in the blender. He was frying falafel in oil and plating up pita and tzatziki.

Load the dishwasher and scrub the pans, too? Most days, as I said, he's got it covered. Tonight I wanted some of that kitchen vibe for myself because, well, he can't have all the fun. I threw that kitchen action into reverse and the podcast in my ears wasn't even over when the place was all packed and polished. 

I love to turn the lights down on an empty kitchen table when only an hour before, my family was enjoying an end-of-day feast.

Lucky am I.

Tuesday, March 19, 2019

Hey Ladies, Continued

If Malinali started a Lean In circle, would she have invited Pocahontas? Although the daughter of Powhatan wasn’t sold into slavery, she was a prisoner of war and held for ransom. The two Johns, Rolfe and Smith, relied on Pocahontas for her negotiation skills, not unlike Cortez of Malinali. Since time is not an issue in my imaginary women's club, they should definitely invite Sacagawea. She was yet another enslaved wife, and damn, she was pregnant and delivered a baby on that epic trek across the country. Gee thanks, Lewis and Clark, for all your service.

Weekly discussion questions might include:
What does gratitude even mean at a time like this?
Do the men need to know I don't translate everything word-for-word?

How many generations before we get credit for this bullshit?

I didn't learn about many in social studies class, but the internet led me to a couple others with lots to offer the girls' group. Nanye-hi, a beloved Cherokee warrior and diplomat, famously scolded U.S. treaty commissioners by saying, "we are your mothers; you are our sons." Later, there was Mourning Dove, the pen name for Swy-ayl-puh, who wrote herself into history by crafting her own novel and short stories. More research would certainly reveal a list much longer. Yet for all that we do know about women throughout history, Lord only knows what we don't.

Certainly, there were countless women who never made it to the history books. Champions of their people. Fierce mothers and daughters. Hunters and healers. Artists and teachers. Sharp-tongued divas who didn’t let their husbands and fathers write the story of their lives. 

Monday, March 18, 2019

Birthday Pancakes

Just about twenty-one years ago, I whisked up a family birthday tradition. I was a young mom and with neither coin nor community, so the best I could do to start my first-born's birthday right was to combine eggs, flour, and milk for a batch of pancakes, pouring the very first into the shape of a #1. Now with three boys and their dad in the mix, I haven't missed a birthday since. Photos of my drippy creations capture every age of my dear ones in square photographs.

This early morning I stepped into my routine, quiet and content. Coffee brewed while I made the sandwiches and sliced the oranges while the rest of the house slept. Slipping into the bathroom to dry my damp hair, I found my husband was missing from our bed when I returned. The stealthy chef stood by the stove, and a golden brown 45 sizzled on the pan. The tradition of love and pancakes lives on. Happy birthday to me.

Sunday, March 17, 2019

Hey Lady

Malinali was also known as Malintzín, Doña Marina, and Malinche, but I didn't know her by any of those names until today. As a young native of Mexico, she was sold into slavery by her own mother and bought by the infamous Hernan Cortez. I can't imagine living under the thumb of a bloodthirsty conquistador, but he recognized her way with words and tagged her to be his interpreter of many languages: Nahuatl, Maya, and later Spanish. Malinali became known for "facilitating cross-cultural connections." Now, how's that for a resume?

Her powers of language did nothing to help the Cortes navigate the restaurant scene. She grasped the intricacies of the complex Aztec system and conveyed them to her dense owner. Malinali guided him through the brutal defeat of Tenochtitlan and later in the building of a new empire.

Some say she was a traitor for all who suffered in the Spanish defeat. But like her mother before her simply trying to survive, what choice did Malinali have? It's more likely that Malinali long felt the burn of betrayal when she was sold like cattle. And with history books so heavy with the tales of ruthless men like Hernan, why should we point the finger at her anyway?

Saturday, March 16, 2019

Memories, Straight Up

When we're out of milk, I drink my coffee black. It's not my first choice. The heaping tablespoons of grounds make for a strong cuppa caffeine that calls for a dollop of something to temper it. On mornings like this though, when I favor a mug on the couch over a brisk walk to the store, I think of my grandparents, for whom we kept a bottomless pot and not even a spot of cream.

My grandfather was a firefighter, a carpenter, an inventor. He was quiet but never timid, surprising us all with gruff proclamations that jolted us cousins to attention. To be clear, he kind of scared me, in the way one might feel nervous in the presence of royalty (insert image of floor-length fur coat and fedora here). So when he complimented my work--a painting portfolio in college is one moment I recall--I felt the enduring energy of his love.

My grandmother was a philosopher, a reader, a giver. She had the power to befriend any creature she encountered, human or animal (insert image of sneaking a dog morsels of steak under table here). Her desire to turn over every stone manifested itself in endless conversations, a quest for truth and light. Time with my grandmother meant long talks on the porch, and we gathered round like a court to a queen. Her hand rested on mine, and she listened to every word I said with bold devotion.

I drink coffee with milk most days. Today, however, I'm enjoying unadulterated flavor so pure that I can see and hear my grandparents after several years without them, and it's just right.

Friday, March 15, 2019

A Spoonful of Sugar

The warm-up was a pop quiz, but the reward wasn't a grade. It was a necessary task before they all take a standardized writing test next week.

Without looking at your notes, map out the elements of a five-paragraph essay in five minutes. Students with complete and correct outlines earn a Jolly Rancher.

What is it about that teeny-tiny sweet that fuels even the most sluggish pencils to zoom like racecars across the page? Friday fatigue might have set in, but you wouldn't know it by watching these kids work. In case I had any doubt, each one can spit out an essay formula with more efficiency than a machine.

I believe in intrinsic rewards. There is nothing better than the spark that ignites a person who conquers a challenge. When struggling students improve, the wrinkles in their brows smooth. Their shoulders broaden. They speak up. And to be a part of this success? It's enough to put a spring in my step any day.

But oh my goodness. You should see how wide they smile when they get the last blue raspberry left in the basket...because that flavor Jolly Rancher is always the first. to. go.

Thursday, March 14, 2019

Leave It Open

To call it a door is to withhold the honor it deserves for transporting me to another world. This time, it was a portal because it led me to a place I forgot existed. From school, I emerged and caught a glimpse of paradise.

The sun lay its hands on my head; the breeze brushed my skin like a pair of fresh sheets. A flock of blackbirds startled at the sound of footsteps. Their path led my gaze from the damp earth to silvery branches of a tree with a backdrop of blue sky and wispy clouds. I spent the afternoon exploring this wonderland with my youngest--a long walk on the path, an open field for the dog, a creek for skipping rocks.

Every day I walk through doors. Days like today, though, remind me that I don't have to.

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Breaking Free

My mind was elsewhere when I stopped at home today. No, my mind wasn't elsewhere. It was very much with me, spinning like a cyclone and holding worries in its vortex. This might be why I don't remember letting the dog out, not one bit.

My heart was full of rocks. Not fair, I know, because it's not my heart I've been worried about. We drove together to my son's appointment, tumbling questions about like stones stuck in a rolling wave. I wonder if my dog stood long at the gate because I surely closed it on her nose. 

My eyes burned at the doctor's office. Restless sleep made for a lemon-juice-sting I couldn't blink away. The dog took a nap, I hope, in the sunniest corner of the yard. 

My ears were stuffed with muslin. Listening to better news, I  pulled it out, strand by strand until I could enjoy the clarity of encouraging words. That must have been when my dog jumped the fence, jubilant liberation, right into the arms of our neighbors who gave her hugs and took her home.

Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Reading Light

He has turned into the kind of reader who steps off the bus with his nose still in a book.

"Oh, hi," he says with smiling eyes. We haven't seen each other for hours, and it's as if he's been waiting as long to exclaim, "We need a corn snake!" 

"A corn snake? Where did you get that idea?" 

He holds up the proof. "This is my favorite series about snakes," he says, his face masked again by a cover that glistens with reptilian scales. "Corn snakes are in the constrictor family," he says, wrapping his arm around mine, perhaps to keep himself from running into something.

When we're home for a while, I find him at the table with the comics, eating a snack without breaking eye contact with Garfield or Brewster Rocket. "Try this one," he insists, waiting for me to make it to the last frame before he asks, "Get it?" Then he pulls out a pad of paper to start sketching big-eyed cats and dogs after the style of Bad Kitty, pencil in one hand while the other turns the pages of his guide, one at a time. 

Later, I think he's asleep in his bed, but he yells, "Mom, are you incontinent?"
"Uh, no. What does that mean to you?" I reply.

Cackling, he exclaims, "That you wear diapers!" 

There was a time when I could kiss him goodnight after stories, and his heavy lids would close before I was out the door. Tonight, a little light shines from his room--it's way after bedtime--and something in Weird School is cracking him up. 

"Are you still reading?" I call back. It's not easy to turn down the laughter that comes from a boy and his book. 

Monday, March 11, 2019

Gramma Knows Grammar

"Ms. Teacher Town, I have a joke. What do you call an elderly English teacher?"

It was my last class, and I'd been teaching pronouns all day.

"Gramma!" he said, delivering his punchline to the room. Ha. We took a moment to laugh about all the grammas in New England who make wicked chowda and love pa-hts of speech. 

"Good one," I said, "because my Gramma was picky about pronouns."

I went on to describe how she'd correct my cousins and I when we messed up. "My cousins and me, dear," I can still hear her say. 

Today was a pronoun-a-palooza. We zipped from subjects and objects right into antecedents before we came to a screeching halt in the face of the indefinites. 

"This part might make you mad," I warned, speaking from experience. "Just don't take it out on me." 

You see, sometimes students breathe rageful fire when they hear that 'everybody' and 'either' are singular. Eyes shoot daggers rather than look out for compound subjects. "Take out the guest to test," I sing to ears blowing smoke. "Why does it have to be so hard?" they cry.

It's like poking a bear to explain that 'they' isn't a catch-all, no matter the gender or number, as in "Someone hates pronoun rules, and he or she, not they, can't hide it."  

"Well, unless they tell us they're they," I explain. In that case, they is singular. Knowing nods from some and more confusion from others. As if they all don't default to they anyway. Jeez, why does it have to be so hard, I wonder?

"Listen," I say at the end of class. "By the time some of you are grammas, this rule will have officially changed."

If their passion over pronouns is any indication, we might not have to wait that long.

Sunday, March 10, 2019

Sunday, Unplugged

The internet was out all day, but I'm not sorry. I didn’t try to race the clock—down one hour to begin with. I tied my sneakers and raced myself instead. The lesson slides and emails that haunted the cloud had to wait. The questions I didn’t ask Google lingered, open-ended, fluttered like moths and never landed. 

I talked more than I texted. Reached for paper to make plans. Walked the dog more than I worked. In the end, I found Sundays are much better without internet at all.

Saturday, March 9, 2019

Reading Undercover

I don't know what it's like to keep a book a secret. A book that's dangerous to own. A book that's no longer a book, just words typed feverishly on pages, stapled, then passed from one curious hand to the next. Would it be offered to me in a darkened hallway? On my way home when watchful eyes weren't looking? No, probably behind a closed door with shades drawn where only whispers explained its importance.

"Read it, but don't say a word. Then pass it on."

The unspoken story grows large in the minds of its readers. Larger than a dream, cloud-like and billowing over voiceless heads, taking on a meaning much bigger than itself. Because it doesn't need to be spoken as the words become truth and truth finally leads to action. The cloud grows heavier, darker, blacker, as each undercover reader turns wrinkled pages. Then it rains. 

And the reason the book was a secret has been washed away. Just a history lesson. A reminder that although books shouldn't have to be a secret, they have the power to expose them.

I talked with a father at parent-teacher conferences yesterday. He read Animal Farm in Ukraine when it was against the law to do so. He was about thirteen at the time.

"It's a very important text," he told me. "I'm glad my son has read it." 

We didn't read it in secret. Thank god. But I'll never forget meeting someone who did.

Friday, March 8, 2019

Check the Forecast

Maybe because it's snowing outside, we're talking about summer. It has nothing to do with school and everything to do with my cold feet. My ankles haven't seen the light since October. No outfit is complete without a scarf, and this winter my scarves have grown to such comic proportions, one could double as an afghan.

Summer plans mean packing up my class and drop-offs at camp. Trips to the pool and drives up I-95. I can wait for those things--I would just like the snow to stop falling. I'm dreaming of a generous sun that gives long into the evening. Short sleeves and painted toenails. Green things that grow in the garden. Going for a long run in the early morning.

Since I can't make the snow stop falling, I've brewed hot tea. We've all stripped coats and gloves to settle in for the night. Talking about summer doesn't make it summer, but an extra large scarf plus my hopes and dreams will do just fine.

Thursday, March 7, 2019

It's Not Rocket Science

A chemical reaction, fizzing effervescence, bubbling over, sparks of light. That is what today's lit mag meeting was like. When I was a kid, I'd pretend to be a scientist when the grownups weren't watching. I'd climb the counter to reach materials: salt, baking soda, food dye, and vinegar. Jelly jars became beakers. The turkey baster made it official. Mysterious concoctions simmered in jars with each splash of a new ingredient, despite my imprecision.

In a rush from morning to afternoon, I ran out of time to plan our meeting. All I had were the jelly jars and a bunch of creative kids. A dash of this and a dollop of that--I stirred things up, but mostly I observed. The colors swirled, the pages filled, molecules commingled. Their energy spilled into the second hour. There was no point in recording the steps--too many variables to count--but the results were reliably fun.

Wednesday, March 6, 2019

Queen for a Day

I don't cut myself big slices of cake. When sharing a sandwich, I take the smaller half. It's something I think about, actually, because when the last delicious dumpling I've been eyeing up disappears, my stomach gives me a hard time. "That could have been yours," it has grumbled more than once.

But those moments I decide to be bold? When I snag the room with the best view or move into the spot at the front of the line, it's the guilt that gets me. 

This morning, I was faced with a choice. A colleague greeted me at my classroom door with a literal cake and a knife. It was a king cake, striped with the green, purple, and gold of Mardi Gras, and I would be the first to try for the baby. Knowing that my luck for the entire year hung in the balance of this slice, I should have taken one the size of Virgina, but I didn't. 

I assessed my prospects, turned the plate around a few times, and picked my spot. 

"Cut a bigger piece," my friend encouraged when she saw how small a sliver I was taking. "You won't have a chance."  

Lifting it up, we were shocked to see the crown of the baby's head peeking through. 

"I got it!" I exclaimed.

The celebration continued later when my friend visited my class to announce the news. I wouldn't have shared my success, but I basked in glory when she prompted students to write about the good fortune they hoped I'd receive OR one reason they're fortunate to be in my class. There's no telling if any more luck is heading my way, but based on those notes, I'm off to a great start.

Now I'm left with a dilemma. Today, I was rewarded for taking the smaller slice, but it doesn't often work out that way. What size piece should I take tomorrow?

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Company Matters

I might have slept through my alarm, but I knew someone would be waiting for me. Light from a neighboring building, my school actually, shined through the open shade. Not now, I told it, I've got somewhere to be. I grabbed my water bottle before heading into a still-dark morning to find the gym, bright as the noonday sun. My workout partner and I, we talked through the hour. Neither sprints nor planks wore me down because of the company I kept.

When the dismissal bell rang, I might have started on that crate of ungraded notebooks if not for the invitation I accepted. My laptop seemed to say, So soon? before it went black, and I zipped my backpack tight for a while. The scent of brewing tea greeted me at the door, and the welcome was as warm as the kettle. This group of readers and I, we chatted round the table, and my book wish list grew longer with every word. Neither grading or groceries mattered then because I was in the company of friends.

Monday, March 4, 2019

Take My Dog to Work Day

According to Psychology Today, "Dogs can provide support and a sense of calm for our daily emotional and psychological stresses." This is not to say that teaching grammar to eighth graders isn't fun, but today when I featured my own, Alice Thundercracker, in my lesson on sentence structure, I enjoyed a sense of calm.

She was there when I reviewed the simple sentence: I have a golden retriever. 

A photo of her smiling face greeted me between Google slides as if to say, "We may be apart, but I'm thinking of you, too."

With a slight dopamine hit, I reminded students of compound subjects: Alice and I run on the trail. Oh, the countless miles we've shared over the years, side-by-side.

Zipping along, I wowed the class with a new one: She stops and sniffs flowers whenever she can. That's right, kiddos, watch out for compound predicates too.

The whole class was grooving by now--they were ready for the next phase: Sometimes Alice is a criminal, so we can never leave food out. 

Shock and horror! Still, the kids weren't yet masters of compound sentences, so I went on: My son’s sandwiches are not safe, and I must hide everyone’s socks. She's very cute, people, but did I ever say she was perfect?

The plot thickened with news of her thievery, but I ended the lesson with truth: Although Alice is sneaky, I love her a lot. Sure, it's a complex sentence, but the love I feel for my dog is uncomplicated.

I went home later and took her on an extra good walk. That's a good girl, I said.

Sunday, March 3, 2019

A Vote for the Goat

When I pull 100 copies of Animal Farm off the shelf each year, they have an old book smell. I know many students will be turned off by their yellowed pages, and to announce that we're going to read about a rebellion of talking animals does not make me look hip. Nor does the history lesson I teach about the Russian Revolution, even when I liken the posh life of the Romanovs to the Kardashians.

However uncool this novella is at first glance, I can't for the life of me it drop it. This is a timeless tale, I insist, a reminder that manipulation of language and corruption is not only found in history books.


Okay, there's no way around it, Animal Farm is dark.

After the lies, slaughter by dogs, forced confessions, and poor Boxer's demise at the glue factory, Orwell leaves us with the image of power hungry, card playing pigs who appear to be men and men who appear to be pigs. The animals, once so hopeful of a utopian life, look on in defeat. This year, rather than finish and say, "Corruption just sucks," I wanted students to say, "Now what?"

Even before reading Chapter 1, the kids list the best qualities of a leader: hard worker, listener, clear communicator, caring, honest, and smart. By Chapter 10, it was obvious Napoleon didn't meet most of their criteria. Then who does? So I asked students to search for leadership potential in unexpected places.

Small groups supported Boxer, Benjamin, Clover, Snowball, or Muriel. All victims of a totalitarian regime, but each with his or her own gifts. "Use your powers of persuasion for good!" I said.

And they did. Our in-class political campaign was a display of evidence that proved the goodness of every candidate. Their counter-arguments acknowledged that no one is perfect, yet they can and will overcome weakness to do the right thing for animals everywhere. Some groups rapped or sang; all spoke emphatically about the unsung talents of heroes.

Boxer won't relent from hard work, and he'll stay true to the mission.
Benjamin may be cynical, but his critical eyes see through to the truth.
Clover's nurturing compassion brings everyone together.
Snowball has big plans, and he's an open book others may read.
Muriel. Wait, who's Muriel? Well she can read, a real plus on the farm, and lends a hoof when others don't. Plus, as her team pointed out, "She's the G.O.A.T.!"

I'm about to reshelve those musty copies of Orwell's classic. While it's not the "greatest of all time" for everyone, I believe those barnyard animals earned a few more fans this time around.

Saturday, March 2, 2019

Calling USA-1000

My boys might say I'm that mom, the one who cringes at even small acts of violence. Ants, although quite tiny, don't deserve to be stomped. Also, I question Nerf bullets and paintball parties. "You want to play Supersmash Brothers? You're brothers. Why would want to smash each other?" Still, I didn't raise them in a cave, and once I saw the neighborhood children whip out their bazooka-shaped sticks on the playground, I learned early on that a simple boycott of Hasbro did not equal character education.

I might say my youngest is that kid, the one who mastered  "pew, pew, pew!" sounds as a toddler. To him, wild dragons are more interesting than trained ones. He backseat-lectures me about which animal is more deadly, the octopus or the squid--predators are always more interesting than prey. "Can't I play Fortnite?" he now asks on a regular basis, despite my routine response, "Nope." And since I'm not raising him in a cave, he dances the floss as well as any kid around.

It appears we have found a compromise in the form of tae kwon do. When Grand Master Jhoon Rhee's ad campaign was flooding the airwaves in the 1980's, didn't we all think that "Nobody bothers me," meant we could and should flip our opponents when they crossed us? As it turns out, the words "Might For Right" mean more than that.

He's only one month in, but my predator-loving kid has been bowing in for twice weekly practice. It might be the jump kicks that pique his interest, but his eyes are locked on instructors when they expound on the importance of kindness. He loves to wear the boxing gloves, but he's also a champ at handing items with two hands to two-handed recipients. After they punch the guts out of a punching bag, they applaud one another for good grades and notes about good habits and recite these words:

To build true confidence through strength in my body, honesty in my heart, and knowledge in my mind. To keep friendship with one another and to build a strong and happy community. Never fight to achieve selfish ends, but to develop Might For Right!

Because I'm that mom, I have to wonder why we're still talking about fighting. Because he's a kid, this sure looks like a fine way to pass the time.

Friday, March 1, 2019

Every Egg Has a Story

Yesterday, when I started up my last class of the day, I became distracted by an unfortunate situation. On one student's desk lay the sad remains of his egg babies, twins in fact, in their wrecked cardboard crib, half-naked and smudged with filth and broken yolk. What adventures these egg babies must have had in a mere four days of a Health & PE assignment.

Their young father looked at me with mild regret, "I barely know how this happened." Oh, the inherent risks of being a teen parent. Of course, this the whole point of the lesson. Yet as I stared, both stunned and entertained by the sight, I found an entirely new angle for this annual tradition. 

If only the egg babies could talk.

Once a year, we teachers see our class sizes grow exponentially. Students file into class and make grand pronouncements. "It's a girl!" or "I named mine Allen." Many show off the faces they've sketched upon their shells. And my pun-lovers make themselves known, in case I hadn't already discovered their talent, with comments such as,"You're cracking me up," and, "Don't you think this assignment is egg-celent?"

In any task assigned to hundreds of adolescents, there is a wide range of interpretations, from the eggs so pampered, they get by without a scratch, to the eggs who don't appear to be eggs at all by the end of the week. Doesn't every egg deserve to have his or her story told?

It is by this question that I have hatched a plan. Egg parents everywhere, you are hereby challenged to give voice to your hard-boiled charge. Document their short lives for posterity, for it may have been brief, but it was most definitely not dull. Imagine what readers might learn by seeing the world through their little pencil-drawn eyes.

Saturday, March 31, 2018

Like the Phoenix

On the eve of Easter, images of resurrection are co-mingling with my reflections of the last 31 days. The mythical phoenix drops feathers until it is bare. Then it is reborn. New life emerges after it drops one special feather at a time.

When we write, we take a risk. Like feathers, our words have fallen from our bodies, all special in their own way. We tap on "submit" and the words are no longer ours alone, leaving us feeling a little bare, a little exposed. The mythical phoenix, however, promises rejuvenation. We write and drop our feathers for readers to discover. A small part of us dies, making way for new life.

This annual challenge is a time to honor the moments we deem worthy. We've made meaning of our most hectic days. Friends, students, and colleagues unite and connect to say, "We're alive!".


Friday, March 30, 2018

Cousins

Small dishes of color, wax crayons, glitter, and stickers. The smell of vinegar and a little sulphur. Dozens of eggs. We gathered round to dip and decorate, two generations of cousins plus our Aunt Bethie. The youngest ones made quick work of a few, cracked some open for a snack, and sneaked out the door to explore. The oldest ones, we took our time with wire ladles, striving for stripes, poking around for polka dots.

Years ago, it was us in the back while our mothers tended the eggs. We pushed the limits of the yard into a cemetery. Names and dates on tombstones, imagined backstories for the dead. On the foot of one vault, instead of flowers, there were cans of coke. A bag of chips. Cigarettes. A candle. Not one would dare steal from a ghost. No, we ran home to sneak under the arms of our mothers. They were there every time. 

Thursday, March 29, 2018

Kinesthetic Learning

Art history lessons are best learned on one's feet, or so we discovered at Boston's Museum of Fine Arts.

We started with our noses nearly touching impressionist paintings, such as Frank Benson Weston's Calm Morning and stepped backward, one foot at a time, to watch blurry lines and strokes of color morph come into sharper focus. 

Next, we realized that M.C. Escher's 13-foot Metamorphosis II required a stroll from one end to the next to call out each image that emerged from letters to squares to larvae to wasps to birds to fish to birds to squares, and back again. 

Then we stumbled upon Phantasmagoria, a collection of work known for its trickery that invited audience participation. With the push of a button, serene landscapes were illuminated to reveal bursting volcanoes and a kindly gentleman courter was discovered to be a dreadful, shrieking skeleton. 

In the most popular exhibit of the day, Takashi Murakami's bold flower petals were strewn across the floor as we entered the Kingdom of the Golden. His vibrant colors and sharp lines inspired an energetic dance alongside traditional Japanese scrolls that rolled out action plot lines from far left to far right. 

Later, when one of us had lost all steam and sought the exit, we meandered through several more exhibits, step by step, before we found the door. Our eyes were open to art today, but our feet led us where we needed to go.

Wednesday, March 28, 2018

Waldorf World

The walls were painted with the colors of a sunrise, and the lobby smelled like dinner was on the stove. We visited my dear cousin and her children at the Waldorf School of Cape Cod and entered into a land where children stood finger-knitting strands of a colorful web that stretched across corners on a long hallway during their after school program. The wood-working room was in mid-project glory with hand-carved spoons and shallow pencil trays on display. It was almost time for Art Night, so main lesson books were open to carefully sketched gods and goddesses, planets around the sun, and heroes like Harriet Tubman. 

We were welcomed into the Children's Garden room where my cousin is the teacher and her son is a student. Rosy curtains filtered the late afternoon sun, and our boys built a tower out of smooths trunks of a tree. They wore "heavy kitty" on their shoulders and made savory burritos of one another in an extra large cloth. Her bright-eyed baby girl showed off her walking and talking skills, following close behind. We drank ginger tea, ate popcorn, and remembered that the world is small when her familiar faces turned out to be familiar faces of mine. And if the world has pockets of education heaven like this, I'm happy to be a part of it.

Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Surf's Up

There is no danger of oversleeping when I'm on vacation. My seven-year-old nudged me awake this morning like a wave rolls, bubbling and fizzy, onto a pebbly shore. His eyes twinkled as soon as they opened, and he sprang from bed with an idea--it was time to go fishing. And he was off to get dressed with socks but no shoes--he grabbed his tackle box as I snagged my double-thick sweater and a cup of coffee behind him. There's no question, we are at the stage of parenting that asks, "Who knew our third would be so spunky? How bored would we be without him?"

Later, we ended up at the beach for brisk air bath. While my teenager and I guarded ourselves against the wind, the youngest ran ahead, springing from rock to rock on the jetty. He led a skipping contest and swung long sticks in dangerous directions. The puppy kept up, open-mouthed and leaping right along with him as the tide lapped at their footprints. 

On this day, we jogged the aisles in the grocery store, went head-to-head in Candy Land, gathered kindling and logs for a crackling fire. There was no sinking into the sheets until bedtime, only effervescence and chatter about tomorrow's plan for more of the same. I'm riding this wave because surf's up, and I know too well: one blink of an eye, and I'll miss out.

Monday, March 26, 2018

Open Road

My middle son was my right-hand man for about eight hours on I-95 North today. The car was packed with a couple suitcases and fishing poles, plus the littlest one and our pup were beaming from the back seat as we pushed off on our voyage. One look at Will in the passenger seat, and he looked like he'd grown an inch since he woke up. His dad and I, these days, are practically startled by how swiftly he has stretched in size to match his wit. Now that he is sixteen, we find ourselves in the stage of parenting that asks, "Can't we just stop time while we have him here at home?"

Zipping down the highway, his profile was framed by still-wintry woods, cityscapes, and blue sky, providing glimpses for the possibilities that lie in wait for him. His world view is as open as the road that stretched before us, but he is also as loyal as the trip is long. He has long been my trusty travel companion--he was the big brother who held baby bottles and passed cups of cheerios. Now, he's a mapper, a texter, and a distributor of cookies. Within the confines of our car, we listened to the same podcasts and an audiobook. We talked about school and family and complained about generalizations and people who speak in absolutes. The sun began to set in the last stretch, and he leaned back and took a nap. We were speeding to reach our destination, but my heart kept telling me that we all need to slow down.

Sunday, March 25, 2018

Deep Roots

We spent time with our oldest son along the Occoquan this morning. He's the coach of his college rowing club, and like the young silver beech that fill the woods there, he stretches long and lean toward the sky. He is also firmly rooted on this earth--not just "grounded" as some might describe sensible folk--his source of energy runs deep and beyond visibility, beyond what his father and I can comprehend. He is twenty-years-old, and we are in that stage of parenting that asks, "How did this happen so quickly? How did our baby boy become a man?"

Our family hiked the trail, up and down the dirt path along the winding river to be with him. This is our seventh year as spectators to weekend regattas; most of those years had us running along the shore with borrowed binoculars and tentative cheers. Judging which eight seater comes in first is almost impossible when the race is close, creating a frequent state of uncertainty. Today, we rallied for rowers, but we saw a different side of the sport. We saw our son lead his crew from firm land with outstretched arms and a depth of spirit. Once again, we watched races that were too close to call from the grandstand. As for our unabashed parental pride, we couldn't be more sure.

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Heroic Voices

Every year that I coach students for an oratorical contest, I go on a search for examples. This year, there are more stellar exemplars than I can count. Just today, Emma Gonzalez and David Hogg of Parkland, Mya Middleton of Chicago, and Naomi Wadler of Alexandria--just 11-years-old--plus countless others, they are changing the world by speaking out. As I watch in absolute awe of their poise at the podium and their choice of words to move minds, my heart only aches more and more. What an inspiration, I think, but what an absolute disaster.

Friday, March 23, 2018

Life Imitating Lit

I finished a book yesterday--Thunderhead by Neal Shusterman--and you can bet that I had students lined up to borrow this sequel to the popular Scythe. This coveted hard cover was propped up on the whiteboard when a teacher friend walked in.

"Is this yours?" she asked. "Oh, you'd better put your name on it before someone snags it." 

The literary terms lesson for today, girls and boys, is foreshadowing. 

I picked up a Sharpie with a reassuring smile, but as she walked out of my room, she cast one doubtful glance my way. 

How did she know I'd get distracted and put it down? Did she predict that I'd reach for the marker and the book later, only to set them down again when a student called me over for a question? Probably not, but I feel certain she sensed that Thunderhead would vanish between two class periods. Like a bubble, floating right before my eyes in its spherical iridescence, it just popped. It disappeared as if it were never there at all.

I should have known, but I ignored every clue. 

And our next literary terms lesson is dramatic irony. Because you, dear audience, probably saw it coming all along.

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Cuts Like a Knife

My day started with a slice, but it was not nice. I reached for a paring knife for this morning's lunch-making routine, and a new, shiny one called out from the butcher block, "Notice me!" Ah, I suddenly realized, my husband replaced the one with the chipped point. I barely mourned the loss of my old, trusty friend who peeled sticky skins off of garlic cloves and split summer plums for years.

The young, sharp-tipped knife and I had barely met when I entrusted it with my avocado today. At first, I was enticed by the magic. The blade pierced the skin and sank into the fruit's flesh like liquid hot magma, so I confidently flung it into the pit. The motion was a familiar one, but this time, the knife slipped off the round, slick surface and landed directly into the flesh of my thumb. Done. I stuffed a paper towel wad into a bandaid, ignored the throbbing, and still managed to pack a turkey-avocado wrap for lunch.

I forgive quickly. I'm also a sucker for shiny things.

When it was time to prepare supper, I entrusted the culprit to the garlic, shallots, sugar snaps, and ginger. We slivered and diced an enviable array for any stir fry. We worked together in perfect synchrony, but we didn't even mention what happened this morning.

Talking it out wouldn't have helped. This case needed a little time, finesse, and some fresh ingredients. Trust is not entirely restored in the new kid on the block, but we're doing the best we can. That's what counts.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Savor the Snow

When servings of grocery store sheet cake get passed around, I might drum up the willpower to say, "No thanks." My sweet tooth knows that another treat won't be far behind, so it can wait. Today's snow day was no grocery store sheet cake.

When the cake has triple layers, fruit and custard, and the frosting is buttercream, I say, "Yes, please." When snow falls on the second day of spring, and I'm certain it won't again until next winter, I add, "Thank you kindly." This sweet day included waking up without an alarm. We went sledding and made snow angels. Our dog tumbled with a friend. I lay for a long, long stretch on the couch to chat with my boys and sink into my book. I was beaten soundly in a game of Monopoly. My laptop slept on the table all the while.

Our winter wonderland is already melting, the roads are cleared, and it's back to normal for a couple more days before break. I hungrily asked for seconds, but that delectable cake was devoured by all, and the dishes have already been put away. I'm so glad I enjoyed every single bite.

Tuesday, March 20, 2018

Slay the Beast

My calendar is a multi-eyed monster. In Ancient Greece, Argus Panoptes had one hundred eyes all over his head and body, an ever-watchful and never-sleeping figure, much like my task list. I need this beast, even as I try mightily to avert my gaze. His stares persist, and I check off each item, one by one. There is satisfaction to calming the monster to the point of soft breaths and weighted lids, and I comply most days. Yet, there are times when its every eye is wide open, and I quiver at the sheer number before me.

I quiver, that is, until I remember that I am Hermes, and I hold the sword. I am the maker of my calendar--my calendar doesn't make me. Shouldn't my students and I be the ones breathing easily? Oxygen and space do wonders for the mind, I've found. 

Argus versus me--it's an ongoing battle that I am sure to fight again and again. I just have to remember, those googly eyes are much prettier on a peacock.

Monday, March 19, 2018

March is a Fox, Start to Finish

Forget the lion and the lamb, March is a trickster. I've known if for all of my birthday-planning life. Ever since the year I fancied my celebration of me, just shy of the first day of spring, a day for daffodils and garden parties. It was no fault of my eight-year-old self, for the second week of the month was balmy. We donned shorts after school and played tag in the backyard. My mother pulled the weeds from soft soil. "Open the pool already!" we all cried.

"Could I have an outside party? With sprinklers and popsicles?" I asked my mom. She hesitated out of pure wisdom. Years of experience taught her that there was no way the sun would still be heating a 70 degree day on March 18. I resigned myself to bowling, movies, and slumber parties--all things indoors.

Today, I ran with middle schoolers who shed layers from the warmth. My youngest jumped on the trampoline. My husband took the dog for a frisbee sprint. Spring had arrived, anyone with their eyes open would claim. That is, until we looked at the forecast. 

"A rainy, icy mess," and maybe even snow are on the horizon. Oh March, I know you too well.