The Kids Are Alright

We live in such uncertain times that we can't even trust our own microwaves. This news from KellyAnne Conway is only further proof our government-issued iPads are the clearest cut example of surveillance that ever was. Teachers, administrators, and parents alike have long grown leery of easy as pie access to online cameras, Google records, location tracking. What information can't the iPads provide about their users? The days of personal freedoms are over. The hearts and minds of our America's youth are officially owned by the state. Sniff.

Dry your tears because the next generation has built up the perfect defense. Kids decided they don't give a $&@# about their iPads and it's $@&ing brilliant. Forgive me for misreading what I thought were the symptoms of entitled children who had little reason to think on their own because somebody would surely send them a "Remind" on their way into class. Turns out they were launching a brilliant campaign against the man all along. 

"What? Teachers expect to move the curriculum along by posting assignments on Google Classroom? Ha, they don't own us," scoffs an 8th grader who just turned his notifications off. 

"She wants me to review terms on Quizlet? Right--like I'm going to trust her definitions over mine. How ironic is that?" asks the kid as she runs her finger over a cracked screen.

Middle schoolers are fed up with being stalked by so many learning opportunities. One straight-A student reports, "I mean, they're everywhere. I can't go to bed without my teacher reminding me that reading will improve my Lexile score. Guess what I can do without an alarm going off in my backpack? I can get into bed. And read. Like I've been doing since I was six."

What's their latest resistance tactic? 

"My battery's dead."

"We had homework?

"I forgot to charge it last night."

"You posted it where?"

"My software won't update." 

"Will you tell me what my missing assignments are?"

"All thirty cords that were purchased in January for checkout in the library are missing."

Smirk. Big Brother's got nothing on them.